She sat there in front of me feeling completely powerless. She proceeded to say “I don’t know if it's just not right for me or if it's fear that's making me feel this clueless about what to do next.”
The topic of emotional safety seems to be swimming in the waters these days. It’s been surfacing for a lot of my clients who have been feeling held back from taking their next step toward their goals due to feeling unsafe.
As children, we needed our caregivers to keep us safe and make sense of what was happening. However, if our caregivers were never raised in an environment that guided them to learn to regulate their emotions and needs, it’s unlikely they were able to provide that for us. So, we also had to learn to survive without knowing how to manage our emotions, thoughts and behaviors.
Perhaps we may have been taught that in order to be lovable, acknowledged, or worthy, we had to continually overwork and achieve instead of playing, resting or having fun.
We may have learnt that in order to have financial safety and to build a successful career, we had to follow the status quo (e.g. take on traditional roles) instead of challenging, creating and exploring.
Or we may have learnt to base our decisions on external voices or situations instead of following our own instincts/intuition, desires and dreams.
So being in a constant state of hyper vigilance (aka survival mode) to protect ourselves and have our needs met was vital for survival.
As a result, that hyper vigilance can blur the lines between fear and misalignment and can cause us to feel stuck.
So when experiencing this, as my client did, how do we work through it?
First, let’s get clear on the difference between fear and misalignment.
The most important things to us will usually feel scary. If there is fear but you still feel excited or have a deep knowing that you are doing the right thing DESPITE the fear, then you know you are having a normal human experience of nerves.
When feeling fear, sometimes the best thing we can do is connect with a bucket load of courage and just go for it even when we aren’t “feeling ready”. Because as my Creative Coach, Liz Kimball, says “Waiting for readiness can feel like a trap, especially if you were trained not to trust your power and your voice.”
Now for misalignment. The literal meaning of misalignment is: “the incorrect arrangement or position of something in relation to something else.”
Simply put – when something isn’t right.
Here are 6 common ways to tell when you are out of alignment and ways to reconnect so you can feel safe to make your bigger career and life decisions:
One - Energy depletion: When being around certain people, places, activities or even ways of thinking that drain your energy, or make you feel tired and exhausted – this is contributing to you being out of alignment. Pay attention to when you feel depleted or continually tired.
Try: Make conscious choices to be around those that feel energizing for you. For example, set boundaries and say no to the activities and people that drain you and yes to the things that make you feel alive and in joy.
Two- It feels hard: If it’s continually feeling difficult - there’s almost always a better, easier and possibly more fun way!
Try: Step away for a while, maybe it just isn’t the right timing. And if it is the right timing, center yourself through activities or practices you find successful for you and ask yourself: what is the most easeful way I can do this? What would make it feel good? Then trust the intuitive wisdom that comes and follow it. When you make this a way of life it will unlock a sense of invaluable liberation.
Three- Physical pain: through research that has looked at the relationship between physical pain and emotional stress, we know that our bodies often express what our minds cannot handle feeling, or knowing. Our bodies are a reflection of our inner thoughts and beliefs and the physical pain warns us that there is still emotional work to be done (often this is unresolved trauma in the nervous system).
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For example, tense shoulders could be a sign that you’re carrying more responsibility than you can handle and the stress of that is consuming. Or perhaps you’re experiencing a lot of irritability and/or inappropriate anger. This can affect liver function, resulting in menstrual pain, headaches, redness of the face and eyes, dizziness and dry mouth.
Try: The next time you are feeling physical pain - take some time to reflect and journal on these questions: What is happening in my life right now? What have I been feeling on an emotional level? What am I currently struggling with or feels difficult or painful?
Your next step may be to seek support while working through the emotional triggers - a therapist or a coach can be great resources for periods like this.
Four- Unhealthy habits: perhaps you’ve started or restarted some unhealthy habits, like overworking, binge eating (or eating less), drinking excessively, smoking, etc. Often when we feel anxious, overwhelmed, or depressed we can turn to destructive habits.
Try: Find what it is that is feeling misaligned in your life which is causing you to turn to these habits. What is it you may be avoiding? Find the support you need to work on those things (e.g. working with a therapist) while replacing the unhealthy patterns with new, revitalizing habits like physical activity, journaling, meditating, or creating a new and healthy food routine.
Five- Sleeping patterns are off: if you are noticing you are sleeping more or less than normal, this is a sign that there is something off in your inner world. You may be carrying a lot of anxious or restless energy and your thoughts are keeping you up at night. Or you may be feeling depressed or low on energy and find yourself sleeping a lot more. Though, at times this is a good thing – our bodies and minds heal as we sleep, so sometimes sleeping a lot more is a time of healing.
Try: Take the time to ask yourself the questions in point 3 (physical pain) and seek support.
Six- Your attraction radar is out of whack: you create your reality. The energy you carry will attract and repel. If your energy is off then you may attract people that are not supportive, cooperative, or share the same values as you. While when you are clear, grounded and honoring your values, you will attract those in alignment with you.
Try: Practice activities that are grounding for you, setting boundaries that honor your needs and being around people and places that nourish your energy.
When we are connecting with certain people, work and activities that are in alignment with our values, passions, and needs then we feel connected. Since connection is a basic human need, we are much more likely to feel calm and regulated from that place, an important foundation for feeling safe.
So in light of alignment this week, I invite you to dial down the hyper vigilance levels and grant permission to your inner child to feel safe. Help her honor her physical and emotional needs by reciting to her this week:
It’s safe to have needs
It's safe to feel emotions
It's safe to ask for help
Its safe to say no
Its safe to be seen
It's safe to slow down
Its safe to be imperfect
Its safe to experience pleasure
It's safe to have fun
Its safe to play
Its safe to rest
And if you’d like some more support around this, I have four 1:1 coaching spots left for the remainder of 2023 at a special rate of 10% off. If you are looking to take the next step in your career and feel safe while doing it, you can book a Consult Call where you’ll also get some direct coaching HERE.
In the meantime, happy aligning!
Creating a vision starts with a single step.
