I tried 13 different ranches and one dressing was a blessing (2024)

Unless you’re living in the Midwest, ranch is, perhaps, one of the most polarizing condiments on this planet. There is a subset of humans who practically bathe in the creamy mixture, while others wince at the thought of pouring it onto foods like pizza, chicken wings and french fries.

I’d best describe myself as ranch-neutral. As a self-proclaimed condiment connoisseur, it’s not something I’d gift the other half of a BFF charm bracelet to (like honey mustard or barbecue sauce), but I would never turn ranch down if presented with the opportunity to douse it on my favorite fried delicacies.

So for this week’s uber-important taste test, I had to get by with a little help from my ranch-loving friends. And since we sampled a whopping 13 store-bought options, I’m just going to dive headfirst into the results (much like the aforementioned ranch lovers who, again, would treat the dressing like a body wash if they could).

13. Tessemae’s Organic Creamy Ranch Dressing

I was reluctant to put this on the list because it by no means tasted anything like a ranch dressing. Instead, it was more like an oily dill with lots of random seasonings. But perhaps the most bizarre finding of all was that the potent herb was nowhere to be found on the bottle’s ingredient list. And I continue to remain stumped by this factoid to this day. Despite the product tasting pretty decent (at least for a vegan variety), there was entirely too much false advertising, much like the date I had last month where the guy showed up wearing braces with absolutely zero forewarning. A hard pass.

12. Newman’s Own Ranch

Of course, I always appreciate the fact that 100% of Newman’s Own’s sales go to charity, but I’d rather cut a tax-deductible check than subject myself to this sour, mayonnaise-y mess of a dressing that left an almost plastic aftertaste in my mouth after one tiny dip with a carrot. It was our least favorite ranch of the bunch, which is saying a lot because there were only a small handful of good ones. Major, major yikes all around.

11. Daiya Homestyle Ranch Plant-Based Dressing

“Just no.” — me after taking my first bite. Listen, I applaud any brand that attempts to make a mainstream product healthier and more vegan-friendly. But this was as sweet as it was thick and, as a result, practically inedible. The mouthfeel alone played up its dairy-free qualities which made it seem like the recipe development team put zero effort into masking its lack of real buttermilk or sour cream. It was actually a “just no” from all of us, unfortunately, but definitely check out Daiya’s impressive range of vegan cheeses that actually melt! They have earned the official Joey seal of approval.

10. Wish-Bone Ranch Dressing

What’s the story, Wish-Bone? It didn’t take a famous Jack Russell to tell us that this is obviously the go-to bottle at budget salad bars around the country. And while we appreciated the conjured nostalgia of eating at a shopping mall’s Ruby Tuesday, it just lacked any type of pizzazz to make it stand out among the competition. We did like it with vegetables, though, so I can imagine it’s a hit among kids who are forced to finish their plates at dinnertime.

9. 365 by Whole Foods Market Organic Ranch Dressing

If you’re craving ranch soup (is that even a thing?), then you’ll appreciate this ultra-runny option that would honestly work better as a marinade. Whole Foods lived up to its name by creating an all-too-healthy-tasting concoction that simply didn’t belong near our beloved unhealthy entrees, but we appreciated the “clean” list of ingredients that tailors to the health-conscious (not us).

8. Ken’s Steak House Ranch Dressing

Here is where things started to take a turn in a more positive direction. Ken’s boasted a memorably salty and creamy flavor, but was edged out on this list by the refrigerated options. Plus, Barbie’s lover boy also offers peppercorn and Parmesan iterations that are far superior to the OG, so we always felt like something was missing to take this dip from drab to fab (spice and cheese, obviously).

7. Kraft Classic Ranch Dressing

Kraft may excel at boxed mac and cheese that I may or may not consume at 3 a.m. when I may or may not be under the influence of something that impairs my mental state, but its ranch dressing is also worthy of a spot in your pantry. In fact, I’m already imagining a full meta moment by dousing Kraft macaroni and cheese in Kraft ranch while I may or may not be under said influence and needing to satisfy a very particular (and specific) craving.

6. Marzetti Classic Ranch Dressing

Marzetti has developed a bit of a cult following, but I wasn’t completely on board with the hype. Sure, the refrigerated jar was quite tasty with its lack of preservatives and clean taste, but I found it to be a tad bland compared to our top five. That said, it’s not going to disappoint anyone who buys it and was actually a top pick for one member of our tiny ranch family.

5. Marie’s Creamy Ranch Dressing and Dip

This one felt luxurious and silky-smooth on the tongue, almost as if it was an upscale version of the humble condiment (if that is at all possible). It was also pretty on par with Marzetti, but I appreciated its decadent thickness and bursts of seasoning that many mainstream options lack.

4. Litehouse Homestyle Ranch Dressing and Dip

Ironically, Litehouse was one of the lightest of the lot, which made it entirely too easy to pour all over everything. We never thought a ranch could taste “refreshing,” but this bad boy actually brought a brightness to heavier dishes, making it the jar we practically finished first. We were kind of peeved by the excessive use of soybean oil, though, which is also the first ingredient for many other contenders in this roundup.

3. Bolthouse Farms Classic Ranch Yogurt Dressing

Some may argue that this low-fat yogurt-based dressing doesn’t taste like traditional ranch at all, but I found it to be a wonderful departure from the norm (and with no random dill in sight!). It was also very garlic-heavy, so the Sicilian in me was very, very happy. After smelling my breath, those around me were not.

2. Hidden Valley The Original Ranch

Hidden Valley was obviously the one to beat. It’s herbaceous, it’s peppery, it’s familiar, it’s got a wonderful tang at the end, and it’s extremely affordable. To not carry Hidden Valley in your home is to spit in the face of crudités. I don’t make the rules, but I certainly don’t want to break them. Just be grateful that the country’s best-selling ranch exists and that you can serve it in a fountain for your next fête.

1. Happy Belly Ranch Dressing

When I was an intern for HLN’s now-defunct "Showbiz Tonight," we used to joke in production meetings about every salacious piece of celebrity gossip being a “shocking shocker.” Well, folks, this was the “shocking shocker” on this list because I never in a million years thought that an unassuming Amazon brand would edge out the one from that oh-so-famous valley and take top honors. Happy Belly was the unanimous favorite with its onion-forward sharpness and all-around versatility. It also tasted delicious on everything we paired it with, including a white pizza which — if you can believe it — was enhanced significantly by its presence. OK, Bezos. You win this time. But please don’t price gouge the crap out of it and force us to buy a less desirable alternative. TYSM.