Aging Father Has Made Plans for Assets and Possessions - Dear Abby (2024)

My grandsons are adults and scattered around the country. They are lazy and none of them has a full-time job. We used to keep them during the summers until their mid-teens. Now I don't hear from them unless I call, and then it's just a bunch of one-word answers -- "Fine," "OK" and "Yup."

My daughter has no retirement savings or company retirement plan. She doesn't call either. She lives four hours away. I'm certain my home, property and possessions are their planned retirement accounts. All I need to do is die. I worked my entire life, spanning a couple of full careers, and I owe nothing to anyone. I have visions of my possessions being destroyed by a couple of alcoholics or sold off for quick cash.

I have decided my estate will all be donated to my favorite charity, a worthwhile cause where it will truly mean something to people who care. Should I let my daughter and grandkids know now, so they have an opportunity to change course and prepare, or let them be surprised after they don't go to my funeral? -- DISAPPOINTED GRANDPA IN FLORIDA

DEAR GRANDPA: I will assume that you have put your decision in writing and your lawyer is aware of it. Your daughter should be informed, in the context of advance planning, who will be the executor of your will, what kind of funeral or memorial you intend to have, where you have arranged to be buried and how you will be disposing of your assets.

If you are concerned that it will degenerate into an unpleasant conversation, ask your attorney to serve as a buffer and do it for you. I guarantee that word will reach your grandchildren like wildfire.

DEAR ABBY: I recently met a man who, even though he asked me to sit down and have a coffee with him, then said he isn't marriage- or dating-minded. I decided to avoid him, and I'm trying to rid my thoughts of him, but it's difficult because I feel drawn to him.

The last time I saw him, I sat down with him, and he asked to hold my hand. I understand that in dating we may find out that we are not going to get married, but we haven't even dated yet! I suppose I appreciate that he's admitting he already knows he doesn't like me enough to marry me, but why ask to hold my hand then? Why ask me to sit down for coffee?

It's hard to meet men where I live, and it has been a long time since I was in a serious relationship. To meet someone who seems like a good catch and then be told this is upsetting. Is he playing hard to get? -- MIXED MESSAGES IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MIXED MESSAGES: I wish that when he asked for your hand (but not in marriage) you had asked him if he intended to read your palm. I agree that he's sending you mixed messages. However, only one person can answer your legitimate questions, and that person is him.

DEAR ABBY: My elderly father died recently. Although he had a variety of ailments, including heart disease, his death was unexpected. He spent many years of his life trying to save my drug-addicted, criminal sister from herself. Despite occasional periods of sobriety, she has invariably returned to her evil ways.

Three days before Dad passed, he was again trying to bail her out of a situation involving people she knew who stole her car. While Dad was driving her, she lost her temper (again) and struck him multiple times as my mother (on the phone) begged her to stop. Dad died a few days later, perhaps not from the assault, but his body just said, "Enough!"

My sister is now sinking her teeth into my mother like she did my dad, and I don't know what to do. I want Mom to cut her out of her life before this happens again, but Mom says, "She's still my daughter." Please advise. -- BETTER SIBLING IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR BETTER SIBLING: Your sister is still your mother's daughter as she was her father's. Point out to Mom that in spite of all the years your father spent bailing your sister out, her behavior never improved. Often when we love someone, our instinct is to try to rescue them. Unfortunately, as your sister's addiction problem has proven, that rarely works.

Please find where the chapters of Nar-Anon are located in your vicinity and invite your mother to go with you to some of the meetings. It is a 12-step program for family and friends of addicts. You can find the information at nar-anon.org. If you do, it could save not only your sister's life but also your mother's.

DEAR ABBY: I was married for 25 years before I got divorced. We had three children. I begged my ex to be a better dad, although I knew it probably would not happen. Currently, he has no contact with any of them. He alienated them for different reasons, and his new wife has caused some issues.

Recently, my youngest daughter (who is 36) gave birth for the first time to my new granddaughter. She had a very difficult pregnancy and almost died. Four or five weeks after the delivery, she had a major blood clot in her leg and again almost died.

I think her dad should be notified by letter. However, all of the kids insist they want nothing to do with him. He has my daughters' phone numbers but not my son's, so he could call them. At one time, he stated that HE doesn't have any kids, they are MINE. What do you think? -- LET DOWN IN MINNESOTA

DEAR LET DOWN: I think you should stay out of this! If your ex had wanted anything to do with his children, he would have been present for them. Your children are adults now, and they are able to decide on their own with no help from you how they want to conduct their lives. Frankly, I have a strong hunch that trying to involve their father now would only bring more pain than he has already caused.

DEAR ABBY: My older daughter, "Brianna," age 42, does not want anything to do with me or her brother and sister-in-law. She keeps me from my granddaughter, who is 17. I have been divorced since the '90s and remarried for 25 years. My first husband was a cheater. I tried very hard to save my first marriage. We got back together six months later, but he walked out again.

When I remarried, Brianna wasn't happy. I have another daughter, age 24, with my current husband. Brianna wants nothing to do with any of us. I wrote her and said I was sorry for the divorce. She has never mentioned anything about my letter. I have to leave gifts to my granddaughter at the front door. This hurts so bad. Everyone says let them go. I love them so much. What do you think? -- ESTRANGED MOM IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR MOM: I think your granddaughter will be 18 very soon, and an adult. IF her mother hasn't diverted those gifts you have been leaving, she knows she has a grandmother who loves her. The ball will be in her court as to whether to make contact with you. (I hope she will.) If, however, she doesn't do that, you are going to have to turn your eyes forward and let her and your daughter live their lives, while you concentrate on what is healthy for you.

If you need interaction with younger people, volunteer some time where it will make a difference. If your interests lie elsewhere, devote some of your extra time and effort in that direction. Your pain may lessen if you give yourself less time to dwell on it.

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, I began a friendship with a woman at my church. She had children a few years older than my daughter. The friendship seemed mutually satisfying for a long time, although I noticed on many occasions that my friend seemed entitled and demanding where her children were concerned. I overlooked it until it affected me.

I realized over time that she had manipulated and lied to keep my daughter away from hers at teen social events because my daughter had been labeled "annoying." There was also other deceptive behavior.

These betrayals, combined with realizing that we don't agree on many subjects, has made me lose interest in the friendship. However, she doesn't seem to share my feelings. She still frequently invites me to lunch (which I refuse) and initiates "friendly" conversations.

Confronting her about her behavior would result in denials and a big blowup. How can I bring an end to this fake friendship? -- NOT INTERESTED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR NOT INTERESTED: Since you no longer wish to continue to have a relationship with this woman, the quickest way to end it would be to tell her exactly what you have learned about how your daughter was treated and that you feel appalled and betrayed. Whether she "blows up" and denies it is irrelevant.

If you can't bring yourself to confront her, then drag it out by continuing to be "too busy" to see her or to have those "friendly" conversations.