DAUGHTERS UNITE IN RESISTING MOM'S DOMINEERING DEMANDS - Dear Abby (2024)

I have three grown daughters, all on their own, living on the other side of the country. During a recent visit home for their grandmother's birthday, I asked each of them to give me all of their friends' phone numbers, in case I couldn't reach them. I also wanted to know who they were exactly, how well they knew them, etc. I was simply thinking of their safety. If I can't reach my girls, I want to know who might have seen them last and, if need be, give that information to the police.

Abby, all three of them told me NO! They said they are grown women and can take care of themselves, and besides, if, God forbid, they didn't want to answer their phone when I called, I sure as h--- didn't need to be pestering their friends.

They say they are adults, and that we (their dad and I) no longer have the right to "dictate" who they are friends with. I say I'm their mother and no matter how old they get, I will ALWAYS have the right to know who they are friends with. I would appreciate your thoughts. -- RENEE IN OREGON

DEAR RENEE: I agree that you are their mother, but you are not your daughters' parole officer. They are self-supporting, self-sufficient adults. Perhaps if you were less overbearing, your daughters would be living closer, would answer their phones more often when you call and would open up to you about their friendships. Frankly, I think you should apologize for giving them such a heavy-handed third degree.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I had dinner with some other couples at an elegant, white linen tablecloth restaurant. After the meals were brought to the table, someone said, "We need to pray." In this quiet, candlelit setting, a "Bless us, oh Lord ..." was spoken aloud by most of the people in our party, causing heads to turn at a number of nearby tables. Undoubtedly, the din sounded like chanting. I was embarrassed.

Please understand, we are religious and we pray aloud in church, but not in restaurants. I have seen people bow their heads and pray privately, which seems more appropriate. Is there a rule of etiquette about praying in a restaurant? -- SILENTLY PRAYING FOR ADVICE

DEAR SILENTLY PRAYING: Yes, there is. In restaurants, praying should be done quietly and inconspicuously to avoid distracting other diners.

DEAR ABBY: I love my friends and enjoy going out to dinner, and attending plays and movies with them. However, something really annoys me. My husband and I are usually early, and when we go to the movies, our friends ask us to pick up the tickets if we arrive first. After the movie we'll grab a bite to eat and at the end of the evening say goodbye.

The question is, how do we ask them for the money we laid out for the tickets if they forget to offer it? This has happened three times with different friends and we're out the money. -- ANNOYED IN TEANECK

DEAR ANNOYED: There are a couple of ways to do it: As you hand the tickets over, you might say, "That'll be $20, please." But if that's uncomfortable for you, the following day, you or your husband should call these "forgetful" friends and ask them to send you a check.

DEAR ABBY: I recently married the love of my life. However, a few years ago, I had an affair with his uncle. It was a terrible mistake. Should I explain this to my husband or keep my shameful secret a secret? Please tell me what I should do. -- CONFUSED WIFE IN THE EAST

DEAR CONFUSED WIFE: I vote for telling your husband the truth. Better he should hear it from you now than hear about it later from his uncle.

DEAR ABBY: I started a new job four months ago after being out of work because of a large downsizing at my last employer's, an insurance company. My new job is close to home, and I really like the work involved.

I'm single, in my early 40s and have a wonderful relationship with a widower I met in church. My problem involves my immediate boss, who is a married man with a family. He has asked me to join him for lunch several times. He has left flowers in my car with a note, and keeps asking me to go to concerts out of town because he says his wife doesn't want to go and he doesn't want to go alone.

I have tried to downplay his advances, but I am afraid it might cost me my job, my boyfriend and the ability to help my parents financially. I am aware my co-workers are probably wondering what is going on. How do I handle this delicate situation and do the right thing? -- IN A QUANDARY IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR IN A QUANDARY: Tell your boss that you are involved in a committed relationship, and so is he. The next time he invites you to lunch, inform him that his invitations are making you uncomfortable. After that, if he persists in leaving flowers with little notes, hang onto them because they would be evidence that you were being harassed in case your refusal to have a personal relationship affects your employment.

DEAR ABBY: For the past year I have been married to a man I love with all my heart, but we have yet to reside in the same house. He lives in another city with his child's mother and gives me excuse after excuse as to why he won't leave. It's either that he's scared to have to pay child support, or he's afraid of my temper (which I'm seeking help for), or it's just not the right time.

I think I should take priority over his child's mother because I am his wife. I am fed up with the excuses and ready to call it quits. What should I do? -- MARRIED BUT ALONE IN MARYLAND

DEAR MARRIED: Keep working on your anger issues, but call it quits. Obviously, your "husband's" priorities lie elsewhere. Whether in the legal sense or the emotional, he appears to be very much married to his child's mother. As it stands, you are already living as a divorcee, so make it official and move on.

DEAR ABBY: I am 44 and my husband of 20 years is 48. On a recent second honeymoon trip to Sweden, I became pregnant. We already have two beautiful, intelligent daughters, 17 and 14. One started university this fall while the other's a high school sophom*ore.

My problem is not so much the high-risk pregnancy, but rather that both of my girls strongly oppose the idea of us keeping the baby. Not only were they not thrilled when I broke the news to them, but they also cried.

My younger daughter is now giving me the cold shoulder. She doesn't like change and thinks having a sibling will disrupt our life. My older girl said she is glad she will be at the university so she won't have to have anything to do with the baby.

I am deeply hurt by their reactions. I need help to talk to them. Please give me some advice. -- EXPECTING IN CANADA

DEAR EXPECTING: Far more important than how your immature and self-centered daughters feel about your pregnancy is how you and your husband feel about it. Teenagers don't like to consider their parents as sexual beings, which may be part of the reason for their reaction.

Not knowing your girls, I'm not sure what they need to hear other than you love them and hope at some point they will become mature enough to accept the situation. But do not allow them to put you on the defensive. You don't owe them an apology. As a matter of fact, they owe you and their father one.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law was in a car accident a few months ago and her car was totaled. Since then, my husband takes her food shopping and wherever else she has to go. She has made no effort to buy a new car. She's content with calling him for every need.

She wasn't injured and she isn't disabled. If she doesn't want to do something, her excuse is, "I'm an old lady. I can't do it." It's annoying. She doesn't come visit or call to check on us. She makes us feel like our family has to do everything for her -- while she claims she's "independent."

This has been an issue for a while and I'm sick of it. I suggested she do her grocery shopping online and have it delivered to her house. Once again, she gave the same excuse.

I think she needs a man so I can have my husband back. What do you think? -- OVER IT IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR OVER IT: From the tone of your last remark it's clear you and your mother-in-law aren't close and probably never were. Philadelphia has a very large transit system. Surely there is alternate transportation for her -- buses, taxis, Uber and Lyft come to mind. If she was so traumatized by the accident that she's afraid to get behind the wheel again, she may need a therapist to overcome it.

Whatever the reason, this won't stop until you and your husband quit enabling her. Give her a list of what's available and "suggest" she use it the next time she calls wanting a ride. If she needs groceries, offer to order them online for her yourself if she isn't computer literate. And your husband should also offer to help her find a new car.