Daughter's Changing Gender Identity Baffles Her Family - Dear Abby (2024)

To say the least, my friend and his wife are finding it difficult to deal with. He doesn't understand why she can't just be gay, which he would be fine with. I want to give them emotional support while at the same time supporting Ronnie, but I'm having a hard time relating to their feelings.

Could you provide some resources for them, such as organizations that help families deal with gender changing and all that it entails? -- WANTS TO BE SUPPORTIVE

DEAR WANTS TO BE SUPPORTIVE: I know an excellent LGBT organization that has been mentioned before in my column. It's called Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). The largest increase in new individuals reaching out to PFLAG is now among trans people and their family members.

Ronnie can't "just be gay" because the issue isn't sexual orientation; it is Ronnie's gender identity. PFLAG can help to explain this to Ronnie's father, and he should visit pflag.org for guidance.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with "John" for 18 years. We married while he was in prison. I know I have outgrown him, but I'm scared to say it's over in case I realize later that we should be together. Over the years, we have both cheated and hurt each other.

I don't know exactly what I am holding onto with him. There doesn't seem to be anyone else out there to choose from, so maybe I should stay. I'm not afraid to be alone, but I am confused. I am suffering from depression over this. Please help. -- STUCK IN DES MOINES

DEAR STUCK: If the only reason you haven't left John is that there's no one else around to choose from, it's understandable that you would be depressed. The status quo isn't fair for you or your husband.

As I see it, you have two choices: Fix your marriage or leave. Of course, the better option would be for you and John to have counseling to see if your love can be revived. However, if it doesn't work, then it might be better for you both to separate. The reason there is no one else out there right now may be that you are unavailable.

DEAR ABBY: Call me ungrateful, but I am very uncomfortable receiving gifts. How can I get longtime friends to stop bringing hostess gifts when I invite them over? I don't need anything, and I resent feeling I am obligated to take something to them, too.

Why do women do this and men not feel so compelled? I have tried remarking, "The present of your 'presence' is present enough," but it continues. I need your help. -- UNGRACIOUS IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNGRACIOUS: Women usually bring hostess gifts because they were raised to believe it is the gracious thing to do. ("Don't come empty-handed.") Since "remarking" hasn't gotten your message across, you will have to be more direct with your friends. TELL them that when they visit, you would prefer they bring only themselves and nothing more. Then explain that you are at a point where you have enough "things" and do not need or want any more.

DEAR ABBY: Every year around the holidays, well-intentioned strangers wish me and my family "Merry Christmas!" Even though we are Jewish, I have always regarded it to be a kind gesture to spread good cheer. I smile and return the greeting.

My children have asked me why I don't tell people we're Jewish and that we don't celebrate Christmas. I don't feel I need to educate strangers when they're just trying to be friendly, but my kids don't agree. We've had several discussions about being friendly and polite, but still they ask if being Jewish is something to keep secret or be embarrassed about.

I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but I do want to give my kids the message that we are proud of who we are. How do you recommend I handle this situation, because it happens a lot? -- JILL IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.

DEAR JILL: Explain to your children that you return the greeting to be polite, not because you feel being Jewish is anything to be ashamed of. The strangers who do this are saying something nice, and you are returning the greeting.

However, the response to people to whom you are closer and with whom there will be a deeper relationship should be different. To them, your children should explain that they are Jewish and that you celebrate Hanukkah rather than Christmas. When you're with them, if they feel the need to assert their Jewish identity, they should go right ahead and do it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for 16 years. Last year I found out he was married before I met him and still is married to her. He never told me he was married when I met him -- or at all. If he had, we wouldn't be together.

His wife got ahold of me on Facebook because she was looking for him. I was in disbelief. We almost got married in 2007, which would have been bigamy. I have stayed with him for the sake of our kids, but I'm miserable.

I recently reconnected with a male friend from high school. We have been talking, but not romantically. He knows my situation. The problem is, he said that he had a crush on me back in school and still does. I have feelings for him, too -- more than just friendship. What do I do? -- EMOTIONALLY LOST IN MARYLAND

DEAR LOST: I can only imagine the extent to which your trust has been shaken. What you need to do right now is recognize how vulnerable you are feeling. What you shouldn't do is rebound from one relationship into another.

Because you are no longer happy with your boyfriend, consult an attorney to ensure your children's father lives up to his financial obligations to them. If you don't have a job, start looking for one to supplement the child support income.

Once you have established economic independence, you will be in a better position to judge whether or not your old high school friend is your knight in shining armor.

DEAR ABBY: Every year my husband and I throw a formal holiday party. We invite a small group of our closest friends, and everyone always has a wonderful time. Over the years we have grown apart from some of these couples.

This year as we were starting to plan, my husband asked if we could trim the guest list. There is one couple in particular we rarely see. They have fallen out of favor with some of the other guests, too.

We've done this party for many years with the same group. When we see this couple, they talk excitedly about it with anticipation. I feel uneasy about how to politely exclude them. The event is mentioned on social media, and I know they'll find out if we uninvite them.

I'm a peacekeeper. I don't like hurting others, especially this couple, who have a tendency to spout off when they feel someone has offended them. Any suggestions? -- PARTY PERSON IN THE WEST

DEAR PARTY PERSON: The next time this couple -- or any of the other couples you no longer want to invite -- raises the subject of your party, tell them that you and your husband need to trim the guest list and they should make other plans for the holidays. Do not apologize for it and don't make excuses. If any of the invited guests ask you why the others weren't included, explain that you need to limit the invites to those friends you see on a regular basis.

DEAR ABBY: I have a mother-in-law-to-be problem, but not the usual one. She doesn't hate me -- in fact, she loves me. She invites me to wine tastings and lunches, lets me drive her sports car, and brings me gifts when she comes to visit.

The problem is, she's nasty to my fiance, so much so that if he ever decided not to speak to her again, I'd stand by him. It hasn't come to that, so I'm stuck sitting silently at dinner while she berates him.

I don't want her to dislike me (especially with the wedding planning coming up), but I really don't like the disrespectful way she mistreats my fiance. What should I do? -- DAUGHTER SHE NEVER HAD

DEAR DAUGHTER: Recognize that this unhealthy dynamic has likely been the status quo since your fiance was a boy, which is why he accepts her verbal abuse. However, after your honeymoon, tell your new husband how upsetting it has been for you to listen to his mother berate him. Suggest that he talk to a licensed therapist to understand why he tolerates it. After that, family counseling may be in order if his mother is willing. If not, spare yourself the pain and see less of her.