Young Relative Never Stops Soliciting Gifts and Cash - Dear Abby (2024)

I don't mind buying her things from time to time, but the items I purchase are sometimes returned to the store or sold by her mother. Although Kristina is an only child, she is not my only grandchild.

If I buy a gift for another grandchild, I have to hide it because Kristina thinks it's hers. If she sees money on my dresser, she talks about how much cash others have given her. She helps herself to our candy dish without asking permission and sometimes muses about how many gifts dead relatives would have given to her if they were still alive.

Then there's her birthday. After Christmas each year, she starts hinting that her birthday is coming up. Abby, she was born in JULY! For six months, almost without exception, she brings up her birthday in every conversation until she's sure I have bought her a gift. I have tried a variety of responses, but she's not getting the hint.

Don't even suggest that I talk with her parents about it, because they spend money they don't have to buy her gifts and then struggle to pay bills. They also don't seem to appreciate what we do for them and don't always thank us. Any other suggestions you could give me would be appreciated. -- TIRED OF THE MANIPULATION

DEAR TIRED: Talk to Kristina's parents again. This time, tell them exactly what you have told me -- that her main topic of conversation is what she wants you to give her on the next gift-giving occasion, because it seems obsessive. Tell them you have gotten the impression that their daughter seems to regard you as less of a loving grandparent than a toy vending machine, and it is unsubtle and obnoxious.

Then, if they don't pass along the message -- which would allow Kristina to save face -- YOU should do it. If you go along with this current scenario, her bad behavior will only continue.

DEAR ABBY: I love my doorman. I am married and older than he is. He is married, too. I've known him for years, and I flirt with him all the time. He flirts back and gets really red in the face.

One day, he came up to my apartment to help me with something. I purposely had on a see-through slip. I wanted to kiss him. I did catch him staring at me, but he was very polite and didn't try anything. I'm just wondering whether I should try to kiss him next time or try to stay away from him. He really makes me crazy. -- BIG CRUSH IN NEW YORK

DEAR CRUSH: You owe your doorman an apology for what you have been doing. If you care at all for this person, do not jeopardize his job by taking this further. If you do, this adventure will not have a happy ending.

DEAR READERS: Happy Father's Day to fathers everywhere -- birth fathers, stepfathers, adoptive and foster fathers, grandfathers, and all of you caring men who mentor children and fill the role of absent dads.

P.S. Also, a big shout-out to dual-role moms. I applaud you all -- today and every day. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a friend, "Sophie," who is cheating on her husband of 25 years. Of course, this is not our business. But now, unbeknownst to her husband, she has incorporated her lover into their everyday life. Her lover is from India and is also married. Sophie is now obsessed with all things Indian -- wearing saris, dancing in her lover's dance troupe and wearing henna all over her body.

My husband and I are involved in a small business with Sophie and her husband, and I'm growing more uncomfortable by the day as she constantly confides to me about her and her lover's sex life, addictions, how she's pursued him, etc. I told her she's playing with fire. Now I remain silent, hoping she'll stop. Meanwhile, she's started a new business that has incorporated him into her life on a daily basis.

We love Sophie's husband. He's a good and trustworthy man. I absolutely will never be the one to tell him what's going on, but we need to get away from her. Without hurting the husband, what explanation can we give for stepping away on a business and personal level? Because he WILL ask why. He's a kind and compassionate man who feels very close to both of us. Any gentle suggestions? -- KNOWS TOO MUCH

DEAR KNOWS: Start by making yourself and your husband less available to socialize with these people. If Sophie continues to confide in you, tell her you do not approve and do not want to hear another word about her affair. You may not have to worry about keeping mum around the husband because, sooner or later, he is going to catch on to the fact that something is going on.

Because you did not mention how closely tied your financial interests are with Sophie and her husband, I will assume you are not solely dependent upon it. That is why you and your husband should consider telling Sophie's husband that "considering the state of the economy," your financial picture has changed, and you will need to relinquish your interest in the business. Your attorney can help you with this.

DEAR ABBY: I have an identical twin who lives in a different state. I am married; she never has been. At 62, she still demands that I live my life her way. I love her, but I'm an adult. I live by my own rules. She seems enraged that I don't think and behave the same way she does. By the way, she works from home and sets her own schedule. I work in a call center. I would appreciate your input. -- LIKES MY FREEDOM IN IOWA

DEAR LIKES: At 62, you are entitled to live your life exactly as you wish. So is your sister. You may be identical, but this does not mean you must think alike. Perhaps the next time your twin unloads on you, you should remind her of that.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are contemplating moving across the country to be near our daughters. We have lived in our home for 45 years. We are both active and in very good health, but unlike many of our friends, we have no relatives anywhere near us.

We have friends and neighbors who are like family. We are also active in our church and community. Basically, our whole life is here. But we are very close to both of our daughters. We visit two to three times a year and Facetime often. They would be delighted to have us closer.

While we want to be more involved in their lives (we have four grandchildren), we always said the one of us left would be the one to move. However, as we age, we are thinking we might need to be near them. It has been hard watching all our friends be involved with their families, and we know we have missed a lot of seeing our grandkids growing up. We would welcome any wisdom from you as we try to make this difficult decision. -- UNDECIDED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNDECIDED: Not every move of the kind you describe is successful. I have heard from many readers expressing that when they arrived in the new community, they discovered that the grandchildren were living full lives with their contemporaries, and the adult children were busy managing their own lives and couldn't give them the attention they had envisioned.

You have lived happily as part of your community for nearly half a century. Because you feel you are missing out on your grandchildren's lives, visit them a little more often. But do not expect to suddenly become the center of their and their parents' lives or you risk sacrificing the happy life you currently enjoy and becoming isolated and disappointed.

A final thought: Before making a hard-and-fast decision about this life-changing scenario, consider RENTING an apartment in the new community for a year so you can see how well you would integrate into it before selling your home. It could save you a world of regret.

DEAR ABBY: I've been dating a divorced man, "Mitch," for nine years. We've been living together for the last two. He has a daughter and a grandson. Recently, while I was out of town for a week, he participated in the annual "family photo shoot" with his arm around his ex-wife as if they were one big happy family.

I feel betrayed by Mitch and his daughter. His excuse is that the photographer was unaware of the family history. The ex recently dumped the man she cheated on Mitch with, so her intentions might be questionable. Should I ask him to move out? -- IN OR OUT OF THE PICTURE

DEAR IN OR OUT: Do NOT ask your boyfriend of nine years to move out based on a photo that was taken one weekend while you were out of town! However, do examine why, after nine years, the two of you haven't tied the knot, and how one photoshoot has made you feel so threatened. Then talk to him about it.